South Africa's failure to leave the bus highlights pathetic performances in first six WC matches

South Africa have failed to get off the bus so far in the World Cup

Fucking disgraceful cricket wraps up the first six matches of the 2019 ICC World Cup.

The ICC would be fucking livid to see so many lop-sided matches to start its showpiece event after culling the number of sides down from 14 to 10 in an attempt to create a more even contest. The West Indies first dicked Pakistan, before New Zealand went in dry on Sri Lanka. South Africa, the perennial chokers of the competition have upped their game, beginning their choke between the warm up matches and the World Cup proper, whilst favourites England reverted back to their basket-case like performances in the field to totally cock up a golden opportunity to go two from two against the previously mentioned dicked Pakistan.

In the opening match, it was Faf du Plessis’ apparent 12 month planning to open with Imran Tahir which saw Jonny Bairstow dismissed for a golden just 2 balls into the World Cup. Some would question why du Plessis would put so much energy into their opening act, only to fail to prepare to play past the second ball of the world cup. Since that moment, they have been fucking useless. After allowing England to recover from 1-1 to be 107-2 showed just how far South Africa had come in choking, before allowing England to amass 311 on the back of Ben Stokes 89.

South Africa then did what South Africa does best, fail to show up to a big tournament. After being dicked in the field, their own phallus inspired player, Quinten de Kock attempted to lead South Africa to glory, scoring 68, while Rassie van der Dussen also scored a half century. South Africa begun to gag at the fall of ther before fast bowler Andile Phehlukwayo slog swept Rashid towards the mid-wicket boundary. What transpired next was the highlight of the tournament so far.

Stokes leapt into the air, falling backwards and outstretching his right arm awkwardly over his head held onto the catch to highlight that he simply should have been on the boundary. In a field placing more often seen in village cricket, Stokes simply had to take the catch or front a livid Trevor Bayliss to explain why a four was hit over his head.

England were too good, winning by 104 runs in the end.

To highlight just how shit the first few games were, Pakistan could have been asked to also bat against England and the Poms would have only lost by a single run. That’s right, you did the maths (unless you're a bit simple), Pakistan managed to score a paltry 105 against the West Indies who made the Pakistani’s look like a bunch of second graders who have to face fast bowling for the first time. Andre Russell pinned Fakhar Zaman on the grill before it trickled onto the stumps. It was a dismissal that typified the way in which Pakistan were dicked by the West Indians.

Pakistan tried their own bodyline style bowling, but the universe boss simply got on the front dog (leg) and flat batted his way to 50 off just 34 balls before Nicholas Pooran finished off the hapless Paki’s by slaying 34 off 19 to see the Windies home to a 7 wicket win.

New Zealand were even more impressive in their demolition of Sri Lanka, who look as if they’ve failed to leave Colombo. Bowled out for 136 before Martin Guptil and Colin Munro sent the rest of the team back to the hotel early, dismantling the Sri Lankan attack to all parts of the ground chasing the pathetic Sri Lankan total down in just 16.1 overs to complete the match inside 50 overs.

In the other match played on Saturday, Afghanistan looked as if they were just going to blow up their own campaign falling to 5 for 2 off just 8 balls, before they became the first underdog of the campaign to actually show they have a beating heart by flogging, spanking and whacking the Aussies around to crawl to 207. Their were moments within their batting that remind you that they are still an emerging nation, particularly the running between the wickets that you’d be likely to see at your local under 10’s, but they won the respect of many for their fight against the much more fancied Australians.

In reply though the ever competitive David Warner showed (120) grit in scoring his slowest ever half century and saw the Australian’s over the line. Aaron Finch hit the ball out of the middle for the first time in what seemed like a year at least on his way to a better than a run a ball 66, with Steve Smith gifting his wicket away to let Glenn Maxwell come to the crease for a single ball to boost his strike rate, finishing with 4 off 1.

South Africa were back in action against Bangladesh on Sunday, well, they showed up against Bangladesh on Sunday. Shakib al Hasan definitely got off the bus, and led his side admirably, first scoring 75 and joining Mushfiqur Rahim in a 142 run 3rd wicket stand, with Rahim top scoring with 78.

Al Hasan then was one of Bangladesh’s best with ball in hand, picking up the wicket of Aiden Markram and going at just 5 an over off his 10. South Africa were set what would have been the highest ever run chase in a World Cup match, and until the 48th over still had a chance, but the choke, I mean wicket of JP Duminy put and an underscore on just how bad South Africa are in big tournaments. The retirement of AB De Villiers is probably the moment on when the choke started, but for poor South African cricket fans you will have to wait until 2023, actually, probably 2027 before you can once again have hope of a South African World Cup triumph.

And the last of the first six matches was another pathetic performance. This time by England who only days earlier were being heralded as the unbeatable hosts by the clamour of Barmy Army and just general English fans who shouted and tweeted “It’s coming home” (which, I’d like to point out it’s never fucking been home, you fuck-knuckles). It’s like they hadn’t learnt a single thing from the same ramblings in last years soccer World Cup in which they failed to overcome Croatia in the semi-finals.

Pakistan, much like Croatia, were written off to win the World Cup just days earlier and neither Pakistan or Croatia’s best cricketers would have been expected to knock off the English side who were bringing cricket home.

Instead, it was Phil Tufnell’s fielding that came home, as the hapless Poms grassed dollies, forgot how to communicate with their team-mates, fumbling balls, missing balls and even deciding to throw balls to the rope.

Pakistan on the other hand were fucking brilliant. Their bowling and fielding was so much better than England’s, however the score-line failed to show the Pakistani dominance simply due to the brilliance of Root and Buttler. Pakistan’s most improved facet was easily the batting.

Moving ahead to the next six-matches, I can’t wait to watch India make South Africa choke more than a pornstar in a gangbang, while the best match of the next six will be Bangladesh versus New Zealand.